Beginner's Mind...Every Day

LOST: Where Did My Child Go?

Between second and third grade, I have longed to figure out WHAT CHANGED. I've kept myself awake until 3 am this past fall and winter trying to figure that out. The summer before third grade we saw a startling jump in aggression and anxiety in Liam. We kept thinking it would get better with more structure when school started back for third grade.

It. Did. Not.

Four Months of Sheer Hell

That's September-December of third grade. Same school. Same specialists. Same team. Same favorite buddy. All at the same school I'd fought hard to keep him in when our school boundaries were redrawn in second grade. 

Every day was something fresh and terrorizing for him. Not because anyone was wrong or bad or intentionally trying to make this hard. We just all got it really wrong and underestimated the impact of changes AND 20 KAZILLION other factors that set us on the abysmal road to nowhere.

He had his favorite "peer coach" right next to him. He adored her. By day three he was so anxious, he had thrown a book at her because he couldn't find the page number. From there, it was 23+ instances of isolation, two restraints and multiple calls and coaching every day with his team. My heart still jumps in my throat when I see the school's number show up on the caller ID.


Strengths & Flaws

Fatal optimism. That's my super-power and my down fall. We had all the "right" behavior supports in place, they were turning slowly, I just kept thinking over and over the interventions and structures would save him. Then it got darker than I ever imagined it could....we were losing him day by day to the unseen monster--The What If Monster--fueling his OCD, anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

What's the Point?

Looking back I can see now that we all underestimated the impact of change in a huge way. We all failed to address the new child rather than plan from the former. We were all also largely ignorant of the Tourette Syndrome iceberg of co-occurring disorders, but that is about 12.9 other posts solid you can catch soon enough.

We planned third grade entry around what was working at the end of second grade and threw him in the deep end. Believe me, even with the greatest social story and para it wasn't enough. EVERYTHING. WAS. NEW. And scary, And not working for ANYONE most of all Liam.


The Gift of New Beginnings

Now that I have had time to not be in crisis mode and truly reflect, it's humbling to see the now-obvious missteps. Along with it, we can celebrate more peace and more breakthroughs in the past 4-6 weeks for Liam. That doesn't always make it easier to swallow as a mom, so where do I land? How can I make SENSE of it all?

At this time of year as we in our family choose to celebrate Easter I am called to reflect on the ongoing gift of grace. The gift of a beginner's mind. The dawn of resurrections. The gift to rise as He has risen.

No, I'm in no way comparing our journey to that of our Savior. AND what I can tell you is that in this season-- as we toe our way out of the darkness-- the symbolism and purpose strikes me to the core. More so than at any other point in my life.

Yet while I don't ever want to repeat the hardship, it has made me a better mom and educator. My heart has some calluses. So does my very soul. Maybe yours does too?

For the caregivers out there staying humble and hustling for your kiddos, my hope and prayer for you is the continued gift of new beginnings. May we all be blessed to rise up again and again and AGAIN.





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